I am angry. Why is that so hard to say? I am so angry. I am angry at my “friends”, I am angry with Karma, I am angry with society, I am angry with the world, and more importantly, I am so angry with myself. I want to scream at the top of my lungs or break something – which is so not okay and not like me. There is a quote that goes something like “breaking down does not mean weakness, it means you’ve been strong for far too long”. That is exactly what this anger is and it has been a long time coming.
I am angry with myself for being too giving, too trusting, and allowing people to walk all over me. I am a great friend but that also means a great person to use. And I tend to be fooled quite easily by people.. which is no longer okay, it never was, but I am finally standing up for myself. And to be quite honest, I have spent my whole life dealing with peoples immature bullshit and have been chewed up and spit out by people who I even thought were “there for me”. So I don’t feel guilty for being angry now. I do not feel guilty for cutting off communication with people who don’t treat me right or telling people a long over due “go fuck yourself”. Maybe that is immature and maybe I will lose the respect of some people but I no longer care. I have taken care of people so many times, I have been there to listen, been a crying shoulder, been a random support system, dropped everything to help someone. And if they can’t deal with my “episode” than they are a prime example of the reason why I am so angry with people. There is a quote that says “If you’re absent during my struggle, don’t expect to be present during my success”. That is exactly what this is.
I just don’t understand what makes people so heartless. I don’t get how easily people can lie and say they care when they don’t. But most importantly, I do not understand how people can hurt people and be rude for no particular reason. At least in my state of anger I know better to tell my friends I am going through a tough time so it’s probably better not to speak to me, in fear I snap at them over something that has nothing to do with them. But no, people in this world today go out there and sit like their fucking wonders of the world behind their computer screen and maliciously hunt down people to rip down. Like spammers on youtube insulting everyone and starting fights, like people who post hate up on the internet or disrespectful websites, but the worst out of everyone are the people who are on your facebook, who pressed that “friend” button which is such a fat lie, and than just wait for something so they can be rude to you.
See there is a problem with people. We feed on the drama. So if you make a mean or rude or angry or depressing facebook status you will get so much attention, yet if you post something that is exciting, new, or happy about your life people couldn’t give less of a shit because they don’t care. Honestly, people say, “I just want to see you happy”. It’s crap, complete crap. They enjoy talking to you while you rant or have just been through a break up or have some interesting drunk story to tell. But when your life is going well, it’s like “well fuck them, my life sucks right now, I don’t want to talk to them” or they actually get to the point of being rude because they can’t deal with their own jealousy issues. My life isn’t perfect but I don’t sit there behind my computer screen commenting on peoples status’s or pictures like they’re a joke and being disrespectful.
I actually genuinely want to see my friends happy and positive. So if I can do this for other people, you think they could do it in return. But people are incapable of being decent human beings these days. And more days than not, I enjoy just reading tumblr or some peoples tweets or watching amazing photos on instagram and than I go onto facebook and I feel like complete crap after. It doesn’t even have to do with me, I can sit there and watch people just yell at each other over friends status’s or people saying the most disrespectful thing. And I understand, its peoples freedom of expression but it just reminds me how messed up society is today and how disgusted I am with peoples actions at times.
So I have finally made the decision to leave it behind, for now. I am at a place in my life where I just can’t deal with peoples mindless crap. I have more important things to worry about and I need to be working on my life. But facebook is the least of it. This anger has been building over time and as I have sat by and let people take pieces out of me I have been slowly worn down. I am done. And my friends who truly care about me have told me they’re proud of me, to finally see me standing up for myself and not allowing other peoples bullshit into my life. But tonight I am mad. And I will let tonight and only tonight be my wasted time on fucking idiots. And this will be the last time they get any of my time. Because I don’t need that crap in my life. It’s time to rid myself of the negative and replace it with the positive, even if that means me being alone for awhile.
I have never really written a blog post on this being more open about my life but I need to vent. My apologies to the good people who wasted their time reading this, I am sorry you had to listen to me stoop to this level or high school drama crap. But I guess what I am trying to say is: learn some respect people. Don’t say something on the internet you wouldn’t say to someones face. And if a friend you thought you were good with starts being weird or not wanting you in their life, you may want to take a good long hard look at your life and see whether you were truly a good friend to them or whether you used them for what you wanted when you wanted it (whether you meant to or did it subconsciously). Own up to your own actions. If you can’t own up to them, than don’t do them, the world doesn’t need more cowards and arrogant people.