“If I could take your pain away, I would bleed for you, I would scream for you, so you’d never have to feel this way again”
Sometimes I watch people, analyze them, wonder about them. Sometimes I do this without even meaning to. I could be walking in the mall or down the street or sitting on public transit and I will look at someone and instantly wonder about their life. Sometimes I look at middle aged women or older women and wonder if they have someone at home who loves them with everything they have. Whether their dreams came true, if they have a family, if they’ve lost someone. Mainly, I wonder if they are happy. And I am filled with this deep sadness at the thought of the possibility that they aren’t happy. Even though I don’t know these people, all I really want is for them to be happy, no matter what their circumstances are. Maybe this is a bit because I am worried that I wont be happy when I am older, that I will be alone with no one and have failed. And it gives me a pang in my heart to think that, although I could accept that happening to me, I would never ever want someone else to experience that.
There are times I will look at a baby or a little kid and feel a yearning. To be able to raise my own child, to be a mother, and to love my child with all the love my heart could possibly muster, no matter how hard the circumstances, or how tired I am, or how stressed I am with the rest of the world. At other times I think “You have no idea how precious these years are, before you have responsibilities, before you have people expecting something from you every day”. But they are just kids, and no kid will ever grasp that at such a young age and it’s unfair to try to get them to. No child should have their innocence and childhood taken away from them.
But more out of all these things, that gets me the most, that really twists my heart into knots is to look at my baby niece and have to imagine that at some point in her life she is going to have to deal with some of the things I have. She will have to grow up and deal with drama and high school, and fighting with people, or the fear of being good enough. Most of all, one day, some one is going to break her heart. And even though any of this is many years away, my heart still aches at the thought of having to ever see her in tears over something out of her control.
Maybe I am a tad bit too empathetic, or too caring, or too selfless but if I could have the ability to take someones pain away so that they would never have to know the way any of those things hurt, I would gladly have it put on myself. I can take the heart break, the bitterness, and the unhappiness, if it meant someone else being happy, especially family. It’s just something I’ve been thinking.