The thing about human beings is often we fail to appreciate what we have when we have it. We get so caught up with the pictures we have in our head of how things should be, or what others tell us is right, or what we have had in our mind that would make us happiest. We do not just stop and see and accept our circumstances for what they are. People waste their lives held onto what they didn’t get or caught up in the way they wished things worked out. But you fail to see that your life is how things worked out. The series of events that have happened in your life did in fact happen and there is a reason. We can’t go back in time to change them because we aren’t suppose to.
I understand the need and belief that you could do things differently or what it’s like to be bitter about where life has taken you. But just because things haven’t gone your way, or your life isn’t where you expected it to be, doesn’t mean that you arent in a good place. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t exactly where you’re suppose to be.
Bad things are going to happen, it’s inevitable. We all fight battles - some with life, some with ourselves. But if you stay too long looking at the negative you miss the positive. You see, life is a tricky thing. Often when one bad thing happens there’s more to come and you can trick yourself into having fear and waiting for bad things. And when we do this we tend to blow up little things (which would usually not be so bad) into a marker on a list of a series of unfortunate events. While you do this, all the good things are passing behind you. All it takes is a simple change of your point of view to see the good.
I have come to notice that life does in fact balance out the good and the bad. It just takes realizing. I have often had the belief that I am cursed with having very bad luck. I tend to gear toward feeling sorry for myself. But the thought that I am unlucky is not the truth. The truth is: life gives me the good in the small things which, if I fail to realize and appreciate them, go unnoticed. And in opposition the bad comes in big things and can be seemingly prevalent.
At times it’s hard to see the good life gives us. But it has, whether you realize it or not, granted us immunity from some bad things. Bad things which never happened and since they never happened you tend to not realize the good. For example, maybe you’re a crazy driver but luckily you’ve never got a ticket in your life. Or you’ve had a “close call” of something horrific happening. Or maybe you go to the doctors and what you found out was wrong isn’t what you wanted. But if you look at it in the grand scheme of things what you had could have had a hell of a lot worse.
That is what is happening to me. To say the last two months have been difficult would be an understatement. But amongst the days where I’ve been in and out of the emergency room, learned I won’t ever lead a normal life, and been booked in for back to back invasive surgeries (which are just the beginning) I have also been given a gift. I have been given the love of my life back and present in my life. Making me smile, and laugh, and know that there is something to look forward to. Not only that but I’ve had a wish come true, something I had more than hoped for.
When I got my wish I wasn’t happy. I was so focused on how it didn’t happen how I expected it to, how the night had been different from what I wanted, I failed to be excited or happy. That was when I realized that I was being completely unreasonable in the way I viewed my life. It was the best thing to happen to me in a long time and everything I had been waiting for. And yet I let silly things stop me from enjoying it as it happened. When I realized that something inside of me snapped.
I have been too caught up in this vision in my head of how my life is suppose to go. I had failed to realize my life is how it is for a reason. I may not have things how I always imagined but I still have some pretty amazing things. I have been lucky. And I know I haven’t been as appreciative as I should have been.
Since these moments I’ve stopped having expectations of what’s considered “normal”. I’ve stopped thinking my life isn’t exactly where it should be. And I’ve also refrained from sharing my happiness with others. This may seem odd but the world is still a place of judgment. Even your best friends have opinions on things. I don’t want or need anyone giving me opinions on my own happiness and what they think will happen or what it means. It’s mine, and I’m going to enjoy it.
I always thought I’d be the hopeless romantic who needed cute things in the form of flowers and kissing photos and talking about the future. And a lot of people know me that way. But I’ve grown up, I’ve moved past that whole fairy tale movie romance. I may not get a Facebook relationship status change, I may not have a guy that constantly calls me beautiful, and by the standard of what people think you should receive I am under. But I wouldn’t change what I have for anything. We are weird, we don’t have a normal relationship and I’ve come to realize that is exactly what I want. I don’t need labels to show the world he’s mine. In fact I don’t even need to prove our love to anyone. He’s mine and that is all that matters. I’ve been wrong in the past, so desperate and pushing for things that I didn’t need and failing to realize what I had.
So fuck the expectations, fuck the negative, and fuck the standards people hold everyone up to and the judgments that have been put on my circumstances. I am bringing love to me all day long through all areas of my life. And I can stay here in my contentment and happiness, even if my health is at a steady decline. I have what I need to keep me going, I have people who love me. And most of all I am proud of the life I lead and what I have. So go choke on that negative!