Learn.Love.Create

Realize the good in your life and appreciate what you have

The thing about human beings is often we fail to appreciate what we have when we have it. We get so caught up with the pictures we have in our head of how things should be, or what others tell us is right, or what we have had in our mind that would make us happiest. We do not just stop and see and accept our circumstances for what they are. People waste their lives held onto what they didn’t get or caught up in the way they wished things worked out. But you fail to see that your life is how things worked out. The series of events that have happened in your life did in fact happen and there is a reason. We can’t go back in time to change them because we aren’t suppose to.

I understand the need and belief that you could do things differently or what it’s like to be bitter about where life has taken you. But just because things haven’t gone your way, or your life isn’t where you expected it to be, doesn’t mean that you arent in a good place. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t exactly where you’re suppose to be.

Bad things are going to happen, it’s inevitable. We all fight battles - some with life, some with ourselves. But if you stay too long looking at the negative you miss the positive. You see, life is a tricky thing. Often when one bad thing happens there’s more to come and you can trick yourself into having fear and waiting for bad things. And when we do this we tend to blow up little things (which would usually not be so bad) into a marker on a list of a series of unfortunate events. While you do this, all the good things are passing behind you. All it takes is a simple change of your point of view to see the good.

I have come to notice that life does in fact balance out the good and the bad. It just takes realizing. I have often had the belief that I am cursed with having very bad luck. I tend to gear toward feeling sorry for myself. But the thought that I am unlucky is not the truth. The truth is: life gives me the good in the small things which, if I fail to realize and appreciate them, go unnoticed. And in opposition the bad comes in big things and can be seemingly prevalent.

At times it’s hard to see the good life gives us. But it has, whether you realize it or not, granted us immunity from some bad things. Bad things which never happened and since they never happened you tend to not realize the good. For example, maybe you’re a crazy driver but luckily you’ve never got a ticket in your life. Or you’ve had a “close call” of something horrific happening. Or maybe you go to the doctors and what you found out was wrong isn’t what you wanted. But if you look at it in the grand scheme of things what you had could have had a hell of a lot worse.

That is what is happening to me. To say the last two months have been difficult would be an understatement. But amongst the days where I’ve been in and out of the emergency room, learned I won’t ever lead a normal life, and been booked in for back to back invasive surgeries (which are just the beginning) I have also been given a gift. I have been given the love of my life back and present in my life. Making me smile, and laugh, and know that there is something to look forward to. Not only that but I’ve had a wish come true, something I had more than hoped for.

When I got my wish I wasn’t happy. I was so focused on how it didn’t happen how I expected it to, how the night had been different from what I wanted, I failed to be excited or happy. That was when I realized that I was being completely unreasonable in the way I viewed my life. It was the best thing to happen to me in a long time and everything I had been waiting for. And yet I let silly things stop me from enjoying it as it happened. When I realized that something inside of me snapped.

I have been too caught up in this vision in my head of how my life is suppose to go. I had failed to realize my life is how it is for a reason. I may not have things how I always imagined but I still have some pretty amazing things. I have been lucky. And I know I haven’t been as appreciative as I should have been.

Since these moments I’ve stopped having expectations of what’s considered “normal”. I’ve stopped thinking my life isn’t exactly where it should be. And I’ve also refrained from sharing my happiness with others. This may seem odd but the world is still a place of judgment. Even your best friends have opinions on things. I don’t want or need anyone giving me opinions on my own happiness and what they think will happen or what it means. It’s mine, and I’m going to enjoy it.

I always thought I’d be the hopeless romantic who needed cute things in the form of flowers and kissing photos and talking about the future. And a lot of people know me that way. But I’ve grown up, I’ve moved past that whole fairy tale movie romance. I may not get a Facebook relationship status change, I may not have a guy that constantly calls me beautiful, and by the standard of what people think you should receive I am under. But I wouldn’t change what I have for anything. We are weird, we don’t have a normal relationship and I’ve come to realize that is exactly what I want. I don’t need labels to show the world he’s mine. In fact I don’t even need to prove our love to anyone. He’s mine and that is all that matters. I’ve been wrong in the past, so desperate and pushing for things that I didn’t need and failing to realize what I had.

So fuck the expectations, fuck the negative, and fuck the standards people hold everyone up to and the judgments that have been put on my circumstances. I am bringing love to me all day long through all areas of my life. And I can stay here in my contentment and happiness, even if my health is at a steady decline. I have what I need to keep me going, I have people who love me. And most of all I am proud of the life I lead and what I have. So go choke on that negative!

My Last Straw

I am angry. Why is that so hard to say? I am so angry. I am angry at my “friends”, I am angry with Karma, I am angry with society, I am angry with the world, and more importantly, I am so angry with myself. I want to scream at the top of my lungs or break something – which is so not okay and not like me. There is a quote that goes something like “breaking down does not mean weakness, it means you’ve been strong for far too long”. That is exactly what this anger is and it has been a long time coming.

I am angry with myself for being too giving, too trusting, and allowing people to walk all over me. I am a great friend but that also means a great person to use. And I tend to be fooled quite easily by people.. which is no longer okay, it never was, but I am finally standing up for myself. And to be quite honest, I have spent my whole life dealing with peoples immature bullshit and have been chewed up and spit out by people who I even thought were “there for me”. So I don’t feel guilty for being angry now. I do not feel guilty for cutting off communication with people who don’t treat me right or telling people a long over due “go fuck yourself”. Maybe that is immature and maybe I will lose the respect of some people but I no longer care. I have taken care of people so many times, I have been there to listen, been a crying shoulder, been a random support system, dropped everything to help someone. And if they can’t deal with my “episode” than they are a prime example of the reason why I am so angry with people. There is a quote that says “If you’re absent during my struggle, don’t expect to be present during my success”. That is exactly what this is.

I just don’t understand what makes people so heartless. I don’t get how easily people can lie and say they care when they don’t. But most importantly, I do not understand how people can hurt people and be rude for no particular reason. At least in my state of anger I know better to tell my friends I am going through a tough time so it’s probably better not to speak to me, in fear I snap at them over something that has nothing to do with them. But no, people in this world today go out there and sit like their fucking wonders of the world behind their computer screen and maliciously hunt down people to rip down. Like spammers on youtube insulting everyone and starting fights, like people who post hate up on the internet or disrespectful websites, but the worst out of everyone are the people who are on your facebook, who pressed that “friend” button which is such a fat lie, and than just wait for something so they can be rude to you.

See there is a problem with people. We feed on the drama. So if you make a mean or rude or angry or depressing facebook status you will get so much attention, yet if you post something that is exciting, new, or happy about your life people couldn’t give less of a shit because they don’t care. Honestly, people say, “I just want to see you happy”. It’s crap, complete crap. They enjoy talking to you while you rant or have just been through a break up or have some interesting drunk story to tell. But when your life is going well, it’s like “well fuck them, my life sucks right now, I don’t want to talk to them” or they actually get to the point of being rude because they can’t deal with their own jealousy issues. My life isn’t perfect but I don’t sit there behind my computer screen commenting on peoples status’s or pictures like they’re a joke and being disrespectful.

I actually genuinely want to see my friends happy and positive. So if I can do this for other people, you think they could do it in return. But people are incapable of being decent human beings these days. And more days than not, I enjoy just reading tumblr or some peoples tweets or watching amazing photos on instagram and than I go onto facebook and I feel like complete crap after. It doesn’t even have to do with me, I can sit there and watch people just yell at each other over friends status’s or people saying the most disrespectful thing. And I understand, its peoples freedom of expression but it just reminds me how messed up society is today and how disgusted I am with peoples actions at times.

So I have finally made the decision to leave it behind, for now. I am at a place in my life where I just can’t deal with peoples mindless crap. I have more important things to worry about and I need to be working on my life. But facebook is the least of it. This anger has been building over time and as I have sat by and let people take pieces out of me I have been slowly worn down. I am done. And my friends who truly care about me have told me they’re proud of me, to finally see me standing up for myself and not allowing other peoples bullshit into my life. But tonight I am mad. And I will let tonight and only tonight be my wasted time on fucking idiots. And this will be the last time they get any of my time. Because I don’t need that crap in my life. It’s time to rid myself of the negative and replace it with the positive, even if that means me being alone for awhile.

I have never really written a blog post on this being more open about my life but I need to vent. My apologies to the good people who wasted their time reading this, I am sorry you had to listen to me stoop to this level or high school drama crap. But I guess what I am trying to say is: learn some respect people. Don’t say something on the internet you wouldn’t say to someones face. And if a friend you thought you were good with starts being weird or not wanting you in their life, you may want to take a good long hard look at your life and see whether you were truly a good friend to them or whether you used them for what you wanted when you wanted it (whether you meant to or did it subconsciously). Own up to your own actions. If you can’t own up to them, than don’t do them, the world doesn’t need more cowards and arrogant people.

Just a little something I’ve been thinking about..

If you saw someone at their most unique moments, you wouldn’t be able to help but love them. If you saw someone acting the weirdest they truly are, that they only show family or close friends. if you saw someone crying alone over something they wouldn’t admit to others that gets to them. If you saw someone doing what they love the most and watching how that makes them come alive. If they opened up to you about something difficult they have dealt with, that you had no idea about. If you saw how they play with their animals or laugh hysterically with friends. If you understood their family and how they have to make their life work. If you saw all the little things like how excited they get over things, or their most vulnerable moments, or the way they smile when they are truly happy.. you would notice just how special they are. And even if its not “falling in love” with them, you would appreciate them and care for them in a whole new light.