Sometimes when you need to get away, when you need time to think, or to take a breather from your life, you may think that it’s a change of place that you need. But it’s not always the case. I needed to get away and have time to think, really take a look at my life. But I’m half way across the country and that doesn’t matter at the least. You can go as far as you want but there is no escaping your own mind. Your thoughts one place will be the same at the next.
Most people just don’t realize that. They want to escape, but they don’t understand it’s mentally. It’s not about change of location it’s about gaining mental stability, even if it’s just taking time to sit, quietly away from everyone and having you time to reflect on things. It can simply be a more positive change in your routine or taking a bubble bath or discovering something new.
When things get overwhelming it’s most people’s first instincts to want to run, to hide away. But that isn’t what you need to do. Life is 10% what happens to you, 90% how you deal with it. If you’re stuck in something that’s making you unhappy than you change it, if you cannot change it than alter the way you look at it. Most of all stop running from things. If something is bothering you mentally the more you try to avoid it the worse it will become. Face it and work on it and move forward.
Life isn’t worth torturing yourself over the little things. Make time every single day for yourself. Away from the world, electronics, everyone else’s opinions and judgments and just be with yourself. Find peace, find clarity, find what will make you happy and do it.
The thing about existence is that it’s temporary. And in time, most of us, will be gone and our name shall not be remembered. What we did, who we loved, what made us passionate, and what we aspired to achieve is gone with us, into the the wind, and buried in the past. Being raised into a selfish world, people are always looking to do something, to matter, to be known. Most people are not continent with a simple life or with the knowledge that there is no one there to be proud of them, or watch their lives, or to love them. Most people want the world to love them, strangers to love them. Simple isn’t okay. Simple is never good enough.
It’s when people meet someone who is happy in the little things and not looking to please the world or achieve love from everyone that they are frightened. When they meet someone that is unlike the crowd and doesn’t follow the usual order of how society works that they are unhinged and bewildered. Automatically pushing that person away and flagging them as something weird or not worth loving or knowing. I happen to be one of those people. It becomes quite difficult living with the majority of people not understanding you or thinking you’re too over emotional or too passionate. To have friends not even make an effort to come out for your birthday just because you’re known as the girl who’s chosen to never do drugs, so they think it wouldn’t be much fun anyway.
It’s not a simple life being a person who puts others in front of themselves, who is empathetic, and often too caring. You get walked on a lot and you find you never really get the same respect and care back from people. It’s difficult going it alone. Taking on everyone’s issues, always being there because you just can’t be mean enough to say no, and than having to deal with your own by yourself. But it’s not like I am blaming anyone, because I understand why people are selfish and only care about their own well being. I am not anyone’s responsibility and no one should be made to feel guilty for not always picking me up when I fall. But some days I do wish that I felt 100% supported. But I don’t know if that ever comes for anyone.
Some people don’t understand this. Others think it’s selfish of me. Honestly, I don’t care at this point. I have helped out so many people in my life time and compromised my own well being for others happiness.. I think it’s about time I be a little selfish. And this time, I am gonna be selfish in the most terrible and drastic way possible and for that I apologize. But I made a good run at it. I’ve loved another more than I’ve ever loved myself and I have known true happiness. But I have also mainly known true pain. And that is what life has become, I think it’s what life has always been. But things move on, and things will get better for everyone.
More lately than most I feel like you’re gone. Not in the way that I miss you and ache to talk to you, to text you and have you actually reply. Not in the way that I feel jealous of all the people who are still part of your life, who get to know whats going on or how you feel or what you do with your days. Not in the way of not having you here when the big things happen. I feel like you’re gone in a different way now. Now, it just feels like you’re dead. It feels like you died a long time ago and I have come to live with the pain and loss. Because I know there is no way to ever get you to talk to me. I have come to the acceptance you will never be in my life again and I will rarely, if ever, get to know what is happening in yours. I’m done searching, not because I don’t care but because it brings on the darkest of feelings that makes me fear myself. I know that you have become someone I use to know. And in a very sad and tragic way, it honestly feels like you are dead.
Maybe it is my way to cope, to ensure I don’t try to talk to you only to become disappointed or just so that I don’t yearn to have you in my life. I didn’t chose to feel this way though. I simply got out of work later at night, walked along the warm pavement feeling the heat coming off of it onto my legs. Sat in my car and I thought of you and the way I missed you felt different. It didn’t feel like the usual way I use to miss you. It felt like you were no longer on this planet and so far away. In a way it was so unbelievably sad and at the same time, it was a relief, to feel like I no longer had to fight or worry that I could never convince you to be with me. That is not to say I wish you were dead, because God, I do not wish that at all. In fact if you even got into an accident and I knew I would be a mess. But it was a relief that the way I missed you didn’t make me feel like I was worthless because you didn’t care anymore.
It’s probably better this way. That my sadness isn’t based upon the fact of losing you but instead my sadness is more on the fact that you no longer exist to my world. And I do not exist to yours. In fact, maybe its the other way around. Maybe the feeling is that I am dead to you. You don’t have a clue what my life is like now and you don’t bother to know. So it’s as if I am gone.. or as if you are gone to a place incapable of being in my world.
It’s pretty fucked up but it feels like it would be easier to lose someone based on things out of your control rather than someone leaving you by choice. Someone who loved you choosing they no longer love you is the worst kind of pain. I know to anyone who has lost someone to death (I have to) that what I am saying seems twisted and I am not trying to disrespect any loss anyone has ever had, because to lose someone based on events out of your hands is torture, wishing you could have done something or what you wished you’d done with the time you had with them. But at least you know that person is gone and went caring and loving you. That you don’t hate them, you just miss them. But to lose someone based upon them feeling you aren’t good enough anymore rips you apart. It’s non stop thinking of any little thing you could have done differently. Whether anyone will ever love you again. You hate them for awhile and you realize that is just anger to help you cope. You’re on a roller coaster.
And as I suddenly felt like you were dead to my world. The roller coaster came to the last word.. it coasted. I was steady. I wasn’t over emotional, I didn’t go through different feelings and emotions. It was simply that I was able to acknowledge the fact that you’re gone and that I wont ever have you back and that it was sad, but as the present clearly shows, life will move on whether you want it to or not. Maybe this means I’ve “moved on”. But to tell the truth I don’t ever think you fully move on. But maybe this is the feeling everyone talks about that I have never known. It isn’t moving on, it isn’t forgetting someone. It’s coming to the acceptance that they are gone forever and that is just something you have to live with.
Sometimes I watch people, analyze them, wonder about them. Sometimes I do this without even meaning to. I could be walking in the mall or down the street or sitting on public transit and I will look at someone and instantly wonder about their life. Sometimes I look at middle aged women or older women and wonder if they have someone at home who loves them with everything they have. Whether their dreams came true, if they have a family, if they’ve lost someone. Mainly, I wonder if they are happy. And I am filled with this deep sadness at the thought of the possibility that they aren’t happy. Even though I don’t know these people, all I really want is for them to be happy, no matter what their circumstances are. Maybe this is a bit because I am worried that I wont be happy when I am older, that I will be alone with no one and have failed. And it gives me a pang in my heart to think that, although I could accept that happening to me, I would never ever want someone else to experience that.
There are times I will look at a baby or a little kid and feel a yearning. To be able to raise my own child, to be a mother, and to love my child with all the love my heart could possibly muster, no matter how hard the circumstances, or how tired I am, or how stressed I am with the rest of the world. At other times I think “You have no idea how precious these years are, before you have responsibilities, before you have people expecting something from you every day”. But they are just kids, and no kid will ever grasp that at such a young age and it’s unfair to try to get them to. No child should have their innocence and childhood taken away from them.
But more out of all these things, that gets me the most, that really twists my heart into knots is to look at my baby niece and have to imagine that at some point in her life she is going to have to deal with some of the things I have. She will have to grow up and deal with drama and high school, and fighting with people, or the fear of being good enough. Most of all, one day, some one is going to break her heart. And even though any of this is many years away, my heart still aches at the thought of having to ever see her in tears over something out of her control.
Maybe I am a tad bit too empathetic, or too caring, or too selfless but if I could have the ability to take someones pain away so that they would never have to know the way any of those things hurt, I would gladly have it put on myself. I can take the heart break, the bitterness, and the unhappiness, if it meant someone else being happy, especially family. It’s just something I’ve been thinking.
(Source: weheartit.com)
(Source: livenlovenlaugh)
You don’t understand. People DO get that once in a life time love, no matter what. You never have to be panicked about finding it because it finds you. And sometimes you don’t even realize it. People get that love, they meet that person who is probably the best person for them who would give up the world for them, that believes they are the reason the Earth turns. But the irony of life is timing.
Your circumstances aren’t always right or people chose to follow an easier path or a harder one. Or maybe you screwed up and didn’t realize it until they walked out of your life. Maybe you won’t ever realize it because you can’t see yourself with that person. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you above everything else. It doesn’t mean that they don’t see you as the most perfect person they know.
Sometimes people chose to be miserable or chose to let that love go because they can’t have it work at that time. The thing about love, that unconditional love where you would die for someone, is that it is never guaranteed to have a fairy tale ending. Or a fairy tale beginning for that matter. It’s never promised that it will be perfect timing or work out the way you want it to. It’s not even guaranteed you’ll ever get to call that person yours. People lose the loves of their lives sometimes. Sometimes people walk away from it. And sometimes two people just can’t make it work despite loving each other with everything they have. And sometimes you will be that person experiencing that loss and you have to deal with it, and you will, because when you love someone that much you would do anything to make them happy and if you believe they are happier without you, than you let them be.
That’s what a lot of people don’t understand. Some of us are meant to suffer. Some of us chose to. We lose that person who we will always be in love with and we keep moving. And we deal with that for the rest of our lives. That’s not to say we wont love again, it’s not to say that we can’t love someone else in a different variation of that intensity, or that we will be alone or unhappy forever. What it means is, if you’re walking around with a broken heart, that aching pain deep inside your chest. With that empty feeling where you just feel hollow because that person is gone; you aren’t meant to be miserable for the rest of your life. You are meant to feel blessed to have someone so completely breath taking enter your life. That you were given an opportunity and you were given such immense depth in your heart to ever love someone more than yourself. Being able to love someone that much is a gift, which can turn into what seems like a curse.
You are allowed to be sad for your loss, you are allowed to live your life with that person in the back of your mind (because you don’t forget a love like that), and you are allowed to chose to never be with another person in your life time. But don’t ever for a fucking second say that you regret meeting them, or loving them, or giving them your heart. The scars on your heart are reminders that you are alive, reminders of the love you are capable of, and most of all reminders that life is worth living even if it meant simply having loved another.
If you don’t understand this, you haven’t seen the big picture or you don’t know this love. If you do understand it, my god, you are not alone and my heart has, too, felt the depth of your pain. And despite sometimes being sad or angry or confused I thank a God I don’t even know if I believe in, that I have been so blessed to have ever been capable of loving another so much. I remind myself that I have felt the best feeling in the world. And I have given and received the best gift there is. And even if I never get that fairy tale ending I can die happy knowing that “I have loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me this has always been enough”.
(Source: livenlovenlaugh)
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